'The issue with the fat rat' - Emily Rosemergy (Year 12)
The first thing that went wrong was that the rat got fat. We had given it a happy life full of all the things a rat could wish for, and it had abused it. It ate all the food available to it, subsequently putting on weight and ruining its appearance. We had to make it special garments so it could still have a nice wardrobe which drained all of our rat funds. We hired a personal trainer for the rat who made it a special workout routine. In order to receive a meal, the rat had to complete whatever workout it was told to do, and to the standard of the personal trainer. We did everything to try and make it lose weight, it was all in the best interest of the rat. No one wants to own a fat rat.
The rat would do the routine and then gobble up double the amount of food it had eaten before, it was still fat. It ate its clothes. It ate its bedding. It even tried to eat its workout equipment. We told it, time and time again, that if it did not stop eating it would grow huge. It wouldn't be able to sit in normal seats, fit through its cage doors, or be a good companion on long flights. We told the rat that the bigger it got, the more disgusting it was, but the rat never listened.
Then we made a rule, for every kilogram of weight the rat put on, it had to run a mile. As well as completing its daily workout routine, it was running up to three miles every week. But nothing changed. The scales continued to rise and the rat was still fat. It started to lose its energy and struggled to complete its workout routine, we put this down to how unfit the fat rat was and upped the amount of cardio it had to do while lowering its food intake. Still, the rat stayed fat. We gave up on making clothes for it because it was eating them in a most unfashionable manner and, quite frankly, it looked ridiculous. We decided to give it only two meals per day instead of three in the hope we could shrink its appetite, but the rat still kept eating all of its belongings.
After a while, we turned to different tactics. We hoped that by making the rat see how disgustingly fat it was, it would cooperate with us on its weight-loss journey. We placed a mirror in the cage and strapped the rat to a seat, then we had a recording tell it time and time again how disgustingly fat it was. The rat sat in the chair without a problem and stared at itself in the mirror, but it never seemed to despise its reflection the way we did. Even when we put in one of those ridiculous mirrors from the circus which distorts your body into crazy shapes, the rat enjoyed its own image. In fact, the more it looked at its reflection, the more infatuated with itself it became. We decided to take a brain scan of the rat while it was admiring its own reflection and saw an increased release of the hormones oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine; incredibly, the rat was falling in love with itself.
So I guess that is the second thing that went wrong, the rat fell in love with itself. At first, we assumed that the rat thought its reflection was another rat, but we soon came to realise that the rat knew its own reflection when it started bringing itself flowers to every mirror appointment, dramatically acting out both giving and receiving the bouquet. Soon enough, the rat was taking itself on dates and whispering sweet nothings into its own ears. It was madness.
We wanted to break this ridiculous spell the rat had on itself because it was hindering it from its weight-loss progress, so we made eyepatches for the rat which stopped it from being able to view its own reflection, hopefully breaking the spell it was under. We told the rat that it was disgusting, fat, and useless. We increased the amount of weight it had to lift and told the personal trainer that under no circumstances was he to let the rat rest. The rat was to workout in the place of having a nine to five job, being a functioning member of society just can't happen when you're a fat rat. We removed all of its clothes and its bedding, it had nothing left to eat. The rat was alone, blindfolded in a metal cage. Weight loss was bound to occur.
The strict rules worked for three weeks, but then the third thing went wrong; the rat discovered its own power. We awoke one morning to find no rat in its cage and the metal bars completely chewed-through. The rat had left a mess, discarding its eyepatches in the toilet and flushing it, subsequently clogging the pipes and flooding the cage. It had also taken both the normal and the distorted mirror with it. Dismayed, we looked around for any sign of where the fat rat could have gone but we found only one thing it had left behind. It was a piece of paper with scratches on it. Upon further inspection we discovered that the scratches were a picture of cheese and the rat had signed it at the bottom:
The biggest, fattest, most disgusting rat.